True Friends

If asked who my closest friend is, in all honesty I would have to say my mom. Or my sister. I haven’t ever really had super close friends for long. I try my best to be super nice to people and can make friends pretty well, but I guess I am not that good on keeping them. I would have friends I talked to at school in high school, but we never hung out outside of school. We would mostly talk about the classes we were in, and if the next year we didn’t have any classes together, we drifted apart. Many people I thought I was friends with in orchestra, I never talk to anymore now that I’m not in orchestra. I will occasionally wave and smile at them in the hall, ask them how they are, but it’s like we now have nothing in common and have nothing to talk about. Even friends I make within my religion, with whom I have tons of stuff in common with, I still don’t hang out much with them. I was the kid in elementary school that got along better with adults than other kids. My mom would say how mature I was for my age. I wasn’t into any bands or music, didn’t care about movie stars, and thought boys were so immature. So I didn’t relate much to people around me—people who were obsessed with bands or had a crush on a movie star, so that was all they talked about.

I always tell my mom everything. I am a completely honest person—some would say blunt—and so my mom was always there for me no matter what I was going through. She is the one that knows everything about me. I guess I am a bit socially awkward in groups of people (at least I feel that way), and often don’t know what to say. One of the biggest problems I’ve had is learning that people didn’t care what I had to say. When I was younger, I would always talk—a lot! My family gave me a nick name because of it. As I got older, I learned people did not always care about what I was saying, or got bored because I tended to drag stories out by adding lots of information—some of it unnecessary—and they would tune me out. I would talk to a girl on the bus, and in the middle of talking to her, she is suddenly on her phone or turns to talk to someone else. Once someone asked how I was doing. I hesitated for a moment, and then decided to be honest. I said “bad.” That person obviously wasn’t listening because they smiled happily, replied with “good!” and turned away to talk to someone else. But then again, you mostly ask people how they are doing out of habit and usually do not care how they respond. They expect you to say good and not start lamenting about how awful your day has been—unless you are super close or family. Once I started picking up on how people didn’t really listen to me, I thought maybe I was imagining it or just being judgmental—until I would stop talking in the middle of a sentence and the person would think I was done talking to them and turn away. That proved they weren’t listening. They were just waiting “politely” for me to shut up so they could find someone else to talk to. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened. It makes my really respect people who will actually take the time to listen! Well, from this, I guess I became kind of jaded and just stopped talking so much to people. I would read on my phone instead of interacting at social gatherings.

I feel like a lot of friendships are shallow. Friends that only discuss fashion or famous people—or subjects in school—really don’t know each other. They don’t know how many siblings each other have, or if they have pets. They don’t know each other’s likes and dislikes. Those were often the relationships at school I had because not a lot of people wanted to connect on a personal level. Some people like their space and don’t want to get deep and personal. I am someone who is so honest and open, I will talk about things I am struggling with openly and put a lot of energy and emotion into a friendship. This is often not reciprocated. Or maybe it’s just unwanted. Some people don’t want to share personal things about themselves because they are afraid of being judged, or maybe they are embarrassed.

Honestly, just be yourself. And when you do find a good friend, hold onto them! Don’t let them drift away, because  genuine friends are honestly hard to find. It takes work to keep a friendship, not unlike a marriage. I am learning all the time how to be a better friend, and a lot of it is just being positive and outgoing. Be encouraging and loving. Don’t be jaded and judgmental like I used to be about people because I always assumed they weren’t listening to me or didn’t care what I had to say—even when they were listening. Friendship takes reaching out to people, lifting them up, and relying on them when you are in need, too. Don’t get me wrong, though. It is okay to still have (what I call) shallow relationships with people. Shallow as in you don’t bare your soul to them. You discuss light things you have in common—school, work, movies, hobbies, etc. It is fun to just be goofy sometimes around people and not having to talk about serious, deep things. But it is also important to have someone to discuss those deep, personal things with. For me, that has always been my mom. I have hoped all my life to one day to find more people like that—lifelong friends—and to connect with more people and stay connected. Staying connected can be hard in “shallow” relationships just because you can run out of things to say if you are only friends because of work or school. You get tired of talking about school and work, or you run out of things to say about those topics. It is important to continuously make new connections with people, which gives you more things to talk about. This includes experiencing new things together or going on an adventure. That reason right there is probably a huge reason I cannot seem to hold onto friends—I don’t really hang out at friends’ houses or go to parties. I love staying home if I can and don’t try to make plans (that often) with people to go out and do activities. Just by hanging out with people in different environments, you are building inside jokes, funny memories, and experiences to talk about later on that will deepen relationships. A deep friendship is one where you don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or what you are wearing, because your souls have connected—you look deeper than the outer appearances. You look at personality. Family is able to do this, which is why my greatest friends are members of my family, and my friends outside of my family, I treat like family.

Now, as I have moved out of the house and away from my family to go to college, and as I now share a dorm room with someone 24/7, the day has come. I have been forging close relationships with my roommates and making connections that will last. It is the best feeling ever! Being a true friend is focusing on making them happy and comfortable. Don’t feel self-conscious or over-analyze what they say. Be open and honest—especially if you have an issue. As you focus on bringing others up, you bring yourself up too.