Something Better

22 June - 28 June 2020

Howdy howdy! Life comes in waves, which makes for some good surfing, I guess. Except that I don't actually know how to surf... Guess I'll just have to stick to the old cliche "this week was a roller-coaster" since I've been on one of those before.

For some reason, this week was emotionally difficult for me. I just I've just had a lot of frustration at myself for overthinking things and not doing everything that I want to be doing. It might seem crazy to someone on the outside looking in on my life. They see the things I post. The amazing song I wrote, composed, sang, filmed, and edited together. The YouTube channel I've diligently been working on. Amazing missionary opportunities that have come my way. The lives I've been blessed to serve and touch. However, my mind has this tendencies to focus in on the things I'm not doing right--or just not doing at all. It's like I get tunnel vision about where I want to be instead of appreciating how far I've come, and it takes mental effort to constantly shift my thoughts and try to see things from a different perspective. The scripture that really stood out to me this week was "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" because I realized that my thoughts are chaotic, misleading, and tiresome. Not every one of them has truth and value, but yet I give them equal--or obsessive weight--in my life and it causes lots of worry. How important is it to look unto God to direct our thoughts. He is truth, and He knows what is most important for me to focus on right now.

It was so hard for me to focus this week. On Monday, I just had a meltdown and cried at least twice. I took off two weeks from my research job, because I was feeling too anxious about making phone calls and completely my duties. I just could not bring myself to do it. I'm so grateful for an understanding and supportive team. During this time, I've really turned outward for my source of comfort and motivation--and not just turning out to God, but also to my friends and family. Whitney took me shopping with her, and when I told her my struggles, she said I was welcome to come over any time, even if just to sit side by side, both of us working. And I took her up on that offer so many times this week! It was so reassuring and comforting to do my work with her, and just her presence helped motivate me to keep working instead of getting distracted. And I also knew that I needed to work out this week so my body would be nicer to me and happier. So I ran Tuesday and Thursday morning with my friend Kathrine. She was kind to stick to my pace and cut her run short for my sake, since I am out of shape (don't worry, she keeps running further after running me back home). And my body did feel better those days! But I haven't been able to motivate myself to workout alone. I've needed someone to go with, so  I'm very grateful for the people God has put in my path.

A plan that was months in the making finally came to pass! Maybe even a year... I went ice skating with Mira! I tried to teacher her some things, but she needed to get the basics down before doing anything too crazy. I didn't get blisters, so that was good!

Saturday night, I went to Sierra Stites' birthday party! She turns 22 this week. I ran into some people I knew from my mission, and I got to pet the Stites' baby pet lamb, so that was cool! (Yeah, the photo quality of my phone is horrible, but I'm getting a new phone soon... hopefuly).

I got to say the closing prayer at church today! Wearing masks are not comfortable, but it's a unique experience. I've also had the opportunity to film a lot of people this week for my YouTube channel. It's cool to meet new people and make new friends! Also, one cool thing I learned was a play on the word "intimacy" (similar to how Atonement is like "at-one-ment"). Intimacy: into me, see. When you are intimate with someone, it doesn't actually refer to anything sexual, but rather letting a person see into you, to come to know who you really are. Our greatest fear is that someone will see who we really are and hate us, so often people are satisfied with a shallow love, where they are loved, but not really known. True intimacy and God-like love comes from knowing a person and loving them.

Funny moment of the week:
The most brilliant thing my brain came up with today when my roommate spotted my printer in my room and asked, "Is that a printer?!" Me: "No, it's a camouflaged hotdog!"

New prayer of the week:
"Please bless this thing I really want to happen... or something better." Sometimes we really want something, and we keep praying and begging for it to happen. But really, God has something even better in mind for us that we couldn't even imagine for ourselves, or something we didn't thing ourselves worthy of. God knows what we need and want better than ourselves. Sometimes (oftentimes) we sell ourselves short.

Much love,
Emily Burnham

Mom for a Day

15 June - 21 June 2020

Monday
I had major T-mobile phone issues and decided to buy a new phone because I was so annoyed. I went up to campus to try and work, but then when my phone quit on me, I just read a book (I'm reading the Steelheart series by Brandon Sanderson) and it was very peaceful and the weather was great.

Tuesday
While babysitting, Cole called me a brat and was so rude to me. He does not have respect for those in charge and just goes off and does his own thing, which is quite agrivating, but a good situation to practice having more charity, I guess. I also studied the math section for the GRE, which included have to relearn what to do with negative exponents. I went up to campus that afternoon to call people for my research job, and it was cool to run into an old professor that I had (twice)! That evening, I went over to Whitney's apartment to watch season 3 of Pride and Prejudice. Some of her guy friends came over soon after we finished it and it was fun to talk with them all.

Wednesday
After work in the morning, I had a counselling appointment, which was supposedly going to be our last session... until we uncovered something that I want some help working through... a mild case of scrupulosity. After listening to my therapist describe it and reading a bit about it, I feel like my life makes so much more sense. This will be something important for me to learn to recognize and deal with throughout my life, and while I felt overwhelmed at first, I am now feeling more hopeful. I just never could fully describe my emotional experiences, nor did I realize some obsessions I had (getting perfect grades in school, being exactly obedient on the mission, etc) or even feeling like sometimes my prayers aren't good enough or don't count. I think we all have struggles and while it is important not to label yourself and use it as a crutch for your behavior, it is equally important to be self-aware and identify the type of your struggles (whether it be OCD, depression, anxiety) so that you can then work to overcome them instead of falling prey to their cycle over and over again, most of the time without even realize it.

Thursday
I told my boss that I can't work Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore since I have my babysitting job, and I feel so much better! I love having time in the morning to start my day right. It was a fun time babysitting. I got to ride on their electric scooter with Jack and his cousin. We all went down to the park and I got to ride around the parking lot while they played. Then, I randomly asked Cole if I could try braiding his hair, since it had gotten pretty long. I'd say it was a success! I also filmed someone that afternoon for my YouTube channel, which was good! In the evening, we had an "emergency" ward council meeting to finish up the preparations for meeting in person on Sunday.

Friday
I cleaned early in the morning, then went home, got ready for the day, and prepared myself for the big babysitting job I had ahead of me. From 12:30pm today until 9am tomorrow morning. Yup, I'm spending the night. So anyways, I get there and things are fine for the afternoon. The kids have their cousins over, Cole has friends over, so there are tons of kids just running around. I just have to clean up after some messes and make food, but otherwise the kids are entertaining themselves, and I can read and do whatever. I took the two oldest girls out on a photo-shoot, so I did their hair. That was an adventure! Well, then that evening, Cole wouldn't listen to me (he never does, anyway) but he had his friends stay over until super late, like almost 10pm, even though I'd tried to send them home earlier. Then he decides to start a movie, and won't go to bed until it's over, and by that time it's almost 11:30. Then he locks his younger brother out of the room because he's "too tired and doesn't want to listen to his brother talking." I finally convince him to let his brother in, and he says "fine, but if he makes one sound, I'm kicking him out!" He apparently told his brother not to even move, so the kid had to pee real bad but didn't want to get up, so he peed his pants. Then he got kicked out anyways, so I got him settled onto the couch downstairs, prayed with him, then had to stay by his side until he fell asleep (his request). By then it was almost midnight (and I'd been up since before 5:30am). Finally I got to sleep, but the pillow and bet weren't even that comfortable.

Saturday
Well, when I woke up, things didn't get any better. When I went to get Jack, he'd peed through his diaper in the night and it soaked his clothing down his pant legs and up to his elbow. I got him out of his wet diaper and clothes, then bathed him. Then, after a bit, Cole came down the stairs, blood gushing out of his nose. I got him some tissues and after it stopped, he showed us how the blood was all over the bathroom sink and floor. There was spots of blood on his bed as well, so I threw his sheets into the wash. After breakfast, I packed up all the extra food that Julia had bought for me and left as the next babysitter arrived to take over. Hallelujah! I decided that I didn't need to work all day, but instead to give myself a much needed and earned rest. I went back to bed when I got home, spent lots of time reading and resting and overcoming the guilt that usually accompanies doing nothing, which is part of having scrupulosity for me. It was a glorious rest of the day!

Sunday
Of course one of the first things I did this morning after studying my scriptures and eating breakfast was to call and wish my dad a happy father's day. Also, we got to go back to church today! What a monumental day... after almost four months of no church. I went early with the ward council to help wipe down surfaces and clean. It was my first time wearing a mask since the pandemic started, and I can't say that I'm a huge fan, but it was worth it to be able to worship in church again. It was so weird to look around only see half of people's faces, and the elders preparing the sacrament wore gloves when breaking the bread. We were directed to seats to be spaced out from each other, sitting in every other row by apartment. While waiting for my lunch to thaw out, I went with Susan to sing by the river on the edge of campus. She is AMAZING at harmonizing, and it was really fun to create such beautiful masterpieces together. That afternoon, I invited Kathrine over to do some indexing (because it's so hard to get the motivation to do it alone). We have an inside joke now about how indexing is the new Mutual... While indexing military records, I pretend they are eligible bachelors, since last week one of my roommates thought I was on Mutual when really I was just reading one of the physical examination records to index. Also, I talked with my trainer on the phone, and she asked me to be a videographer at her wedding! So I got a job offer since starting my photography business ;). Whitney came over just to chill with me on the couch until we went back to her place and had a Come, Follow Me lesson outside on the grass. One cool thing that we talked about was how disciples of Christ are compared to light and salt, and how the purpose of those two things is to enhance others. Because of light, we can see beauty, but we shouldn't stare directly into the sun or a light bulb. Salt by itself is disgusting, but it can enhance the flavor in other foods. Our role is to turn outwards, uplifting and strengthening those around us, not trying to be the center of attention.

My roommates are truly great. They have such love for me, and I am grateful for them!

Much love,

Emily Burnham

Family Photos

8 June - 14 June 2020

I feel absolutely exhausted as I am sitting here typing this entry out for y'all, so I hope it's a good one! This past Monday, I was able to take family pictures of Whitney's family while they were all in town. In my mind, it was completely an act of service, but apparently they wanted to pay me $100! I was very shocked. It got me thinking though... there is some good money to be made doing photography. I have the camera, access to Photoshop and Box, so why not give it a shot? (No pun intended). I know it'll be a learning curve and that it will bring out a lot of my insecurities (such as: is my work even good enough to be paid for??), but I got nothing to lose, so I'm going for it. I'm going to do my research and work hard, and this can be a huge blessing in my life. 

Anyways, meeting Whitney's family was super fun. Her family is very cute and it felt like I've already met them before, even though it was the first time seeing them in person. But the other crazy thing that happened on Monday was that my water bottle spilled in my bag, getting my phone wet, so I stuck it in a bag of rice all day. It was interesting to be phone less all of Monday because it helped me see how attached to it I am becoming, which is NOT good. I felt so much more productive without it! And I even went shopping, just bringing a paper list.

Tuesday was a crazy day of watching kids because they all were not in a happy mood and didn't want to go to their swimming and sports lessons, but I survived! I ran with the little boy as he rode his scooter.

Wednesday. Just early morning custodial, talking with my counselor, and working. I did have a family foundations meeting. Eh, don't really remember much else so I guess it wasn't all that important :) How about I show you this new rock collection that was made on the side of the dirt on the way to the Smith Field House, by the tennis courts? Guess when you need work during Covid19, you find ways to be creative! When someone asks if I want to hike the Y, I'm going to start assuming this is the one they mean ;)

Thursday was filled with more babysitting after early morning custodial (the little boy is so cute. He loves to have me dress him up in super hero costumes). Then I had some one-one-ones with TAs, which was very enjoyable. I love getting to interact with other humans!

On Friday, I brought in the painting I did for my boss, Ben. He really loved it! I think it turned out pretty good, but there's no way I'm selling my art work because it takes waaayyy to long, so it wouldn't be worth it! Vincent brought us food in, which is super nice of him. It was a good thing because I didn't even really have time to eat before I went to the  Nixon's to babysit from 8:30 to 3pm. I got paid super well, though, and I got to swim for a bit with the kiddos at their grandma's house. It was funny because some people were decorating for Christmas inside since they will be filming part of a Christmas Hallmark movie in the house. It is honestly such a blessing that I got to meet the Nixon family. They are amazing and have been so so helpful to me. I did get super burnt outside though. I was going for a nice tan, but instead I not only got burnt, but apparently accidentally wiped sunscreen on part of my leg, so it was a splotchy burn! 

Saturday morning, I finished the second book in the Skyward series by Brandon Sanderson, and I am SO mad that book three will not be out until next summer!! Then I was working on some things when my roommate came home and said, "What do you do when you know you're not a failure but feel like one anyway?" It was such a simple, sweet call for help. I sat her down and hugged her (somehow kneeing her in the face in the process, cuz I'm just that skilled. Need a hug? Psych! Knee to the face!!) and rubbed her back and listened to her. Then we got on the topic of missions, since she is preparing to serve, and I got to share why I loved being a missionary and how missionary work has been part of my life way since I was in Junior High School, and my passion is still there. I told her many different things I learned and experienced, and while I won't mention all of it specifically, I did want to focus on how I felt. Powerful. Passionate. Close to the Spirit and to God. It was an amazing feeling and a good reminder that I am still a missionary. I have done many brave things without a missionary tag on, and I still can this day. Later, I had someone come over to be filmed for my YouTube channel, talking about suicide. It went well, but it was a bit of a heavy topic, so afterwards I went over to talk with Whitney and later that night we watched the first two episodes of the five hour long version of Pride and Prejudice. It was a great way to relax and unwind.

On Sunday, I was feeling a bit anxious and my roommate just played with my hair, which was so comforting and soothing. I don't always know what I will suddenly feel anxious and edgy, but I've learned to give myself space, be kind to myself, and really turn to the Lord. I went to my room and read in the Bible Dictionary and learned some really cool things that brought the Spirit into my life. As I was praying in my heart to feel someone with me, comforting me, I was overcome and I just told my Heavenly Father that I felt so weary. Immediately, a clear voice spoke into my mind, "Be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work." It was exactly what I needed to hear and I was overcome with gratitude. The work and effort I'm putting into making a YouTube channel as well as other things can be burdensome at times, without much reward, but I'm laying a foundation and it will one day be built upon. Just like those writing in the Book of Mormon had no clue how many people would later be reading their record, I have no idea how many people will watch and be touched and influenced by what I am doing. Besides, I get to meet some pretty cool people! Today I filmed a girl named Anna, and she was so great. We exchanged numbers and she even said she wanted to set me up on some dates! Haha, that's be pretty cool! Then I texted my friend Kathrine to come do some indexing with me, and it is SO much better to do it with a friend because then you can get help and laugh together when you come across something funny! Then I went on a mini photo shoot with Whitney and Lacee, and I realized how much harder it is to be a photographer. I will need to work on better directing people and have more poses ready. I also need to know when the lighting will be good because at 4pm, it isn't all that great. But oh well, at least I'm getting some practice! Afterwards, we came across a girl studying her scriptures named Hannah, and she told us how cute and kind we looked. We had a short conversation with her, and I felt inspired to share my YouTube channel with her and have her watch the video of different missionaries bearing their testimony. I don't know why, but I went for it. Maybe it will be influential in her life in some way. Then I went to a Come, Follow Me study group with Whitney and her friends for a bit.

Much love,

Emily Burnham

Go Figure (Skate)

1 June - 7 June 2020

What a glorious week! I felt the Spirit a lot this week and feel like I felt specific things for me to work on and improve on, while also feeling encouraged that I'm on the right path and doing much good. I am so grateful for all the positive feedback I received on my song and am glad I was able to touch a lot of people. I think it ended up getting just over 2,000 views, so that is miraculous!

So on Monday, some guys came by to put in new bathroom flooring, because apparently the toilet had been leaking... only we all didn't know it was actually as bad as it was. So change of plans. They left and we had to get some guys to replace the entire flooring. Then the flooring people came. But then the door wouldn't close shut because the flooring was too high, so we had to get a guy to come in and fix that. All in all, the four of us shared one bathroom for the majority of the week! But it wasn't too bad :)

On Tuesday, I watched the Nixon kiddos and did a lot of driving to get them to where they needed to go. Piano, tennis practice, etc. Also, I got kind of fed up with my current jobs because I'm not working the hours I want, so I also applied to about six jobs today!

Wednesday, I had a presidency meeting in afternoon, and then I asked if I could film Joclyn (the new second counselor) for my channel. She speaks Tagalog from serving in the Philippines! So now I have a total of 15 languages for my video, and it's going to post next week, and it's gonna be SO good!

Thursday, after work, I went to babysit at the Nixon's again, and it was actually pretty chill. That was good! Kate wanted me to draw a picture of her, so she had me take a couple of different pictures of her. This was my favorite (though not the one I'm going to draw). I had a bunch of work to do that afternoon as an online TA and research assistant, but there was no way I was going to do it stuck inside my little room, so I decided to trek up to campus. I located a spot inside the library next to an outlet and had some one-on-one meetings. It was fun getting to meet new people and chat with them! Then... I went outside and called a couple of people to participate in the research survey, and I saw Savannah Hunter (from my mission) walk by, and then Hannah Oliekan (from my home town), so I figure if I need human interaction, just chill outside the library and you're bound to run into people you know! So that was super awesome!

On Friday, I babysat six 8-year-old boys at the rec center water park for 4 hours!! They were all going strong, even at the end. Wowza. Unfortunately I didn't bring much to do, but I guess I just got to spend a lot of time reading Skyward by Brandon Sanderson, which I am actually really enjoying! It was recommended to me by my religion research professor! Honestly though, by the end of the week, I realized I had a lot of work I still needed to get done, especially for my research position. The real struggle is having to make my own hours. It'd be nice to have steady hours and actually get to interact with people!

Saturday morning, I finished up reviewing tests for my TA job (while folding laundry. Multi-tasking is a wonderful thing) and then I got to go ice skating! The ice rink is open again!! It's been about three months since I last skated. I was the first one on the ice, which was super nice, and after a few rocky moments, I fell right back into it. But not literally, because I didn't fall at all! But I did get two blisters, one on the inside of each foot. And I got to skate around with a 10 year old towards the end, and it was funny how she was trying to offer me tips to be a better skater, even though I was already better than her (but I couldn't crush her hopes and dreams, ya know?). That afternoon, I did some filming for my channel as well as video edits, then Whitney called me, so I went on a walk to the duck pond with her and her two youngest siblings. It was cool to meet them!

Sunday was awesome because the RS taught and everything fell together so well! A thought came to me earlier in the week and I ran with it. It was about what makes up the "pure" in "pure love of Christ." It was super insightful, and someone even talked about how ash is the purest substance on earth because all impurities are burned out and all that is left is... ash. Pure ash. Water, gold, etc. all can get contaminated. So ash has now become a symbol of purity to me. It was cool to ask what makes the Savior's love so pure, and to tie that back to His Atonement. When we sacrifice and give selflessly, we are able to love more purely, like going through the refiner's fire. It's not easy, but so beautiful in the end. I also took some time to paint. I started on one for Ben, my custodial boss, and I'm almost done. So far it looks pretty great! Can't wait to show you it next week (or whenever I decide to finish it).

Much love,
Emily Burnham