Howdy howdy! Life comes in waves, which makes for some good surfing, I guess. Except that I don't actually know how to surf... Guess I'll just have to stick to the old cliche "this week was a roller-coaster" since I've been on one of those before.
For some reason, this week was emotionally difficult for me. I just I've just had a lot of frustration at myself for overthinking things and not doing everything that I want to be doing. It might seem crazy to someone on the outside looking in on my life. They see the things I post. The amazing song I wrote, composed, sang, filmed, and edited together. The YouTube channel I've diligently been working on. Amazing missionary opportunities that have come my way. The lives I've been blessed to serve and touch. However, my mind has this tendencies to focus in on the things I'm not doing right--or just not doing at all. It's like I get tunnel vision about where I want to be instead of appreciating how far I've come, and it takes mental effort to constantly shift my thoughts and try to see things from a different perspective. The scripture that really stood out to me this week was "Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not" because I realized that my thoughts are chaotic, misleading, and tiresome. Not every one of them has truth and value, but yet I give them equal--or obsessive weight--in my life and it causes lots of worry. How important is it to look unto God to direct our thoughts. He is truth, and He knows what is most important for me to focus on right now.
It was so hard for me to focus this week. On Monday, I just had a meltdown and cried at least twice. I took off two weeks from my research job, because I was feeling too anxious about making phone calls and completely my duties. I just could not bring myself to do it. I'm so grateful for an understanding and supportive team. During this time, I've really turned outward for my source of comfort and motivation--and not just turning out to God, but also to my friends and family. Whitney took me shopping with her, and when I told her my struggles, she said I was welcome to come over any time, even if just to sit side by side, both of us working. And I took her up on that offer so many times this week! It was so reassuring and comforting to do my work with her, and just her presence helped motivate me to keep working instead of getting distracted. And I also knew that I needed to work out this week so my body would be nicer to me and happier. So I ran Tuesday and Thursday morning with my friend Kathrine. She was kind to stick to my pace and cut her run short for my sake, since I am out of shape (don't worry, she keeps running further after running me back home). And my body did feel better those days! But I haven't been able to motivate myself to workout alone. I've needed someone to go with, so I'm very grateful for the people God has put in my path.
A plan that was months in the making finally came to pass! Maybe even a year... I went ice skating with Mira! I tried to teacher her some things, but she needed to get the basics down before doing anything too crazy. I didn't get blisters, so that was good!
Saturday night, I went to Sierra Stites' birthday party! She turns 22 this week. I ran into some people I knew from my mission, and I got to pet the Stites' baby pet lamb, so that was cool! (Yeah, the photo quality of my phone is horrible, but I'm getting a new phone soon... hopefuly).
I got to say the closing prayer at church today! Wearing masks are not comfortable, but it's a unique experience. I've also had the opportunity to film a lot of people this week for my YouTube channel. It's cool to meet new people and make new friends! Also, one cool thing I learned was a play on the word "intimacy" (similar to how Atonement is like "at-one-ment"). Intimacy: into me, see. When you are intimate with someone, it doesn't actually refer to anything sexual, but rather letting a person see into you, to come to know who you really are. Our greatest fear is that someone will see who we really are and hate us, so often people are satisfied with a shallow love, where they are loved, but not really known. True intimacy and God-like love comes from knowing a person and loving them.
Funny moment of the week:
The most brilliant thing my brain came up with today when my roommate spotted my printer in my room and asked, "Is that a printer?!" Me: "No, it's a camouflaged hotdog!"
New prayer of the week:
"Please bless this thing I really want to happen... or something better." Sometimes we really want something, and we keep praying and begging for it to happen. But really, God has something even better in mind for us that we couldn't even imagine for ourselves, or something we didn't thing ourselves worthy of. God knows what we need and want better than ourselves. Sometimes (oftentimes) we sell ourselves short.
Much love,
Emily Burnham
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