13 March - 19 March 2023
I've grown sooo much in the past year! As I read through my "tough" journal (literally, a journal I keep to record my breakdowns and most difficult breakthroughs, and it has a picture of Christ suffering in Gethsemene on the front), I realize how much I've finally been able to internalize and incorporate beliefs and knowledge into my life, replacing unhealthy and unrealistic perspectives with ones that make me more centered, grounded, healthy, and happy! I've come so far. I don't feel guilty for needing to take a rest and cancel plans when I'm sick. I'm not waiting for some future thing to happen before I can be happy. I'm more peaceful in day-to-day moments, not swamped with anxiety. When I do feel anxiety, my thought process to handle it is so much better. And... I have SUCH a healthier perception of dating and marriage, to the point where I think I have actually made huge steps forward (if not completely overcome) my dating anxiety. I am not so attuned to other people's emotions to dictate how I feel in general or about certain things. I am able to feel content and peaceful even as other people feel grumpy or mad. And I start to recognize if I'm picking up on others' anxiety and consciously go somewhere else or do something to help keep me grounded. I am truly coming to believe that I can be as happy as is physically and emotionally and spiritually possible on my own, with my Savior and Father. Not by turning outward and seeking validation or reassurance. I can be happy if people disagree with my opinions. It's GOOD to have differences, to like different things. It's good that people can stand up against you and your preferences. Be stubborn. It means they know what they want and will stick with it. They will not give in to pressure from others, and you do not ever have to feel responsible for their decisions or for pushing them. They are their own person, on their own journey, and you get to simply see them for who they are, love them for where they're at, and have patience and compassion as they work through their own journey, even while knowing you can independently make yourself happy and content. Your heart is big enough to love yourself as you are and to love others for who they are. I'm more grounded this way because I'm not relying on others for my worth or happiness or value. I'm lovable just the way I am, and I have teams of angels helping me, and I get to be blessed to be part of others' journeys, and for them to be part of my journey. But I get to choose what I take from them. Just as they choose what to take from me. It's not their responsibility to change me or uplift me. It's mine. And I get to choose what advice and emotions and interactions will be positive to accept into my life, and I get to toss aside things that are untrue, rude, unkind, and limiting. And vice versa. It is not solely on my shoulders to give them everything they need or save them or fix them or force them to listen or accept my help. I can offer it out of a place of love and concern, but then respect their agency to accept or reject what I've offered, AND it's my choice not to let that rejection hurt me, because truly, their actions are more of a reflection on them than on me. They are going through their own trials and difficult places, and my only response (one that I choose every day) is to love them. To love them at their weak moments, to love them when they're broken, to love them when they're crying or stubborn or ungrateful. And that love comes from Christ. He sustains me and helps me to love myself and to see His holy way of loving others unconditionally.
So, yeah. Wow. I'm in a much holier and healthier place emotionally and spiritually and even physically than I've ever been (not to say everything is perfect or the best it could be, but... it doesn't need to be for me to be so grateful and happy).
Annyyywaaaayyy... on to my week! I survived my last week of classes (easy peasy, since I did all the work the week before) and have been doing well with my internship. My supervisor has been both impressed and very grateful with all the clients I've been getting and keeping. Whenever I start to doubt myself, I just think, "Well, they keep coming back, so I must be doing something right!" Work has been stressful because our printer is still broken, even though they've ordered lots of new parts! We've had to sub-contract out the work so we can keep our clients, and they went with this kinda sketchy-looking dude with a ghetto shop and the signs did not come back as great quality as we were hoping, but it'll do for now. Lots of prayers that our printer is fixable and starts running again soon! I also started coming down sick this week with a sore throat, and God was so good. I feel so blessed that things fell through the cracks (like clients I was supposed to see, or me being needed at work) so I could have extra time to sleep and rest. Though, my road to recovery stretches on, considering just this morning I was throwing up my guts... oh well. This too will pass. And the best thing is that even as I'm not feeling all that good, I'm still able to have some great interactions with other people. I met a cool new friend named McKenna, and I got to talk to Giselle some more, learn about her and have some funny moments with her at church. And Jasen got back from his trip to Europe and got me a souvenier! How sweet! It was mini packs of tic tacs (that guy is obsessed with miniature things!) and a little music box that plays a Harry Potter song (so cute!!!). I truly am so blessed by my Heavenly Father and have amazing people in my life.
Much love,
Emily Burnham
This week for FHE, we went bowling. I got to talk to lots of people and make it super fun!
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