Stop It!

 2 May - 7 May 2023

Oh, what a week! I wrote in my journal this past week, "When the Lord invites you to walk on water with Him, it should be expected that you're going to falter and start drowning." I had some rough patches throughout the week, having some feelings I didn't know how to deal with appropriately or healthily, but the key things that got me through were grace and forgiveness from Jesus Christ, from my family, and from myself. Not letting a slip-up get me discouraged or define who I am. It is important to note that there are literal changes that happen in our brains when we are flooded with emotion that make it so we are literally incapable of rational, reasonable thought and processing. When we start feeling our brain slip into that state, it is crucial to STOP. Stop trying to make important decisions, stop trying to do anything extra than what is needful in that moment. And to start doing everything we can to soothe ourselves and our bodies. To turn to God for comfort, to use self-care tools, to ask people to extend grace and prayers to you.

This week was slightly more overwhelming when working with my clients than previous weeks, and I felt myself taking on more of their stressors/letting their problems start to affect me. And it totally was in part because my mental stability/groundedness was wobbly. But I got through the week, even learned to enjoy many aspects of it, and I gained some valuable knowledge and wisdom. One, I'm giving up on overcompensating in relationships. First of all, it's exhausting and draining. Second of all, it stems from an anxious place of feeling like I have to bribe them to be my friend or earn their attention and care--and that is simply not true. I value myself more than that. I am an incredible friend to have and I'm confronting that fear I have that people will stop paying attention to me or being around me if I do not constantly initiate interactions. I will reciprocate as much as they reciprocate. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll never initiate. I will test the waters every once in a while, maybe with important life updates or events I can invite them to, but then if they consistently do not reciprocate at all, I will re-evaluate why I am trying to have a friendship or relationship with that person and perhaps prayerfully put my efforts into other people and relationships that will yield more harvest (not just for me, but for them and for the Lord). Along these lines, I'm so over one-sided crushes and have been working to redirect my thoughts, gaze, and desires back to the Lord and to being a disciple of Christ. I didn't realize just how distracting liking a guy is from being able to focus on speakers at church and listen to the Spirit. When a guy isn't filling your awareness, it leaves more room to feel direction from God. And, you can more easily explore who you are and who you want to be. You don't even start to realize little habits you pick up that are not because of you. Thoughts, interests, desires (even a future that isn't fully yours) open up in  your mind, take residence, and detract from what is in your stewardship and ability to accomplish. It detracts from your individual and unique way of relating to the world and using your God-given gifts to make it a better place. I'm not sure if that makes sense or even adequately describes what I'm feeling, but I guess one way I've felt recently is free. Free from expectations and judgments I didn't need to be carrying and I have more control of my life because I'm not wondering/obsessing about things I don't have control of (does he like me, is he thinking of me, does he find me attractive, is he going to be there, what will he say to me, how is he taking what I do/say?). And my grounded answer is, WHO CARES! I like the way I look, I feel comfortable, I like myself, I want to go to that event, REGARDLESS of anyone else's thoughts or feelings or opinions.

So, anywho, I decided to make some changes to my life this week. I just changed my screen saver on my phone to a girl dancing on water with Christ, which I feel is a great representation and reminder of the things I can accomplish with Him. 

Also, I am discovering how much more effective therapy is when I plan it with Him, since He knows my clients so much better than I ever will. Now, for some important points from this week: I went to get a TB test for my internship at the group home. There wasn't any doubt, but in case you were worried... I tested negative! FHE on Monday night was SO fun! We had a combined activity with other wards in an airplane hanger (part of ALA's school) and there was pickleball, spikeball, corn hole, and a giant Connect 4 game. I absolutely had a blast and made sure to talk with tons of new people, and I played my best at pickleball yet! 

I went to ministering night on Wednesday and it was super fun! I teamed up with Emma and we went to visit the girls I minister two. One of them was home and answered the door, and we had a good chat with her! Then we went back to the house it was at for soft-served ice cream and games! Unfortunately for me, I was feeling a little anxious that night and started to let it get to me, so I left a bit early. But I am super grateful for it and that I had such a great talk with Emma. On Friday night, I had the Cinco De Mayo potluck. We had a great turn out and TONS of food! I wasn't feeling super well that day, but I was able to get in a quick nap and feel a bit better. 

My ear has been acting up all week ever since it burst last Saturday at the Luau from those crazy, screaming girls. Seriously. Shirtless Samoan dudes are SO overrated right now. RIP my ears. Yeah, but I had lots of good conversations with people that night and had lots of fun teaching some people how to ride the electric unicycles. My dad even pulled out his non-electric, regular unicycle for people to try! Karaoke was a hit! I went to stake conference on Saturday night and sat by my high school friend, Hannah O. We had brownies afterward and I socialized with lots of people, then left to meet up with my coworker at The Porch (a bar in downtown Gilbert). They were celebrating her husband's birthday and I wanted to show my support by coming to something she invited me to. I got there before her, so I sat outside on the swing and played a game of chess... LOL. But it was weird having my ID checked for the first time to go into somewhere. I didn't stay long, but I definitely got to see what kind of vibe goes down at a bar party. Oh, and the funniest part of the night (or one of them, I should say) was that my co-intern, Suprit, thought I was 21 years old! Haha, I'll take it! #foreveryoung

On Sunday, Valerie gave an AMAZING talk at the leadership training meeting. I opted to sit on a cushy chair and save a spot for McKenna instead of singing in the choir and sitting on the stand the whole time, and I'm glad I did because McKenna needed a good friend. After the meeting ended, we walked to my car and chatted for a bit before I drove her to her car (she'd parked down in another lot because the church lot was so full). She'd shared her story of addiction and falling away from the church during the Saturday night session, which took a lot of courage and energy. I'm glad I had some one-on-one time to ask her how she was and where she stood with everything and how I could support her. Also, Gracelyn LOVES Uncle Sean! Haha, she kept looking at him strangely, but granted, he was giving her some strange looks!

Much love,

Emily Burnham