Boating and Wake Surfing

 24 July - 30 July 2023

Highlights of this past week!

I went on a boating trip with my activities committee. Three other young adults were able to make it, plus our high councilman, who had the boat we all went on. This was my second time going boating that I can actually remember in my entire life. The only other time was a youth trip when I was in young womens. We did wake surfing, and it took me a lot of tries. We all took turns going, and we got around 30 to 40 minutes each total, but maybe only chunks of 10 min rounds. So on my third round (which was like 20 failed attempts later), I was actually able to get up on the surfboard! It happened three, maybe four times! But I didn't stay up long or know what I was doing once I did get up. But hey, the important thing was: I GOT UP! For the first time ever! And it was SO rewarding! I'm so grateful for the support of my committee members and their encouragement to keep going past the point where I would have given up on my own. I also am proud that I buckled down on Saturday and wrote my 8-page essay, went to the temple, took my three-hour practice exam, AND managed to eat actual meals! It was exhausting and a lot, but I did it, had an overall okay and peaceful day, and was able to do all of this without too much need to force myself. I had a spiritual morning on Sunday, just listening to the "Faith is Not Blind" book where they talk about not having faith with expectations of what God will do or that He will answer you in a certain way, but having faith without stipulations or expectations and being okay with being uncomfortable and not getting the answers and keep trusting in God and doing the things you need to do anyway. I had been praying for clarity about a certain topic, really struggling with not knowing or having a clear answer, and basically begging or demanding an answer and clarity, to make sense of my emotions, and in that moment of listening, I realized what I was doing and expecting, and I told God, "Hey, I don't know how to handle this or what the answer is or how I should respond or react, and I'm okay with not knowing right now. I'm going to choose to trust you and just keep doing what I know is right--going to church, serving--and when these feelings come up that are really uncomfortable and have been driving me crazy, I'm going to acknowledge them and that they are hard to feel and not comfortable, but that's okay and I can keep moving forward anyway. That was a really tender and special moment I had with God that carried me forth to church.

Gracey-pants (her parents current favorite nickname for her) loves her walks!

Brother Nevitt in the background, showing us all up with his skills!

 Gracelyn in her prime element. She loves the swing and looks SO content!

Me at ward choir! Was trying to take a picture of the board and had it on selfie mode, and all the girls behind me were like, "You should take a picture!!!" hahaha

Much love,

Emily Burnham

Kimberly's Baptism

17 July - 23 July 2023

This past week, I've eaten lots of junk food and not enough healthy food, so my body was not the happiest with me, but my mental health was still (fortunately) really well and I had some amazing breakthroughs with clients. I met with a couple for 2.5 hours and it was two hours in that the wife had a breakthrough to her primary emotion of fear that has been driving beliefs and actions that have contributed to the presenting problem, and that was HUGE! I've actually been feeling like a competent therapist. Definitely not feeling like I know everything, but I think I'm becoming more comfortable with my role of perpetually not knowing, and of continuing to be curious and guide the clients to their own answers and solutions. I get to be the expert on helping them be the expert; I get to be the expert in genuine curiosity and acceptance. I've been living under this pressure to know exactly what I'm doing and feeling immensely inadequate and unsure, which has negatively impacted my sessions in the past, but I've been able to see past those false beliefs and have grown more comfortable with what I do, what is actually expected of me, and the impact I reasonably have on people--my demeanor and compassion and curiosity will impact them more than any words or teachings I can say. 

My friend Kimberly Smith got baptized Sunday morning! She lives in our ward boundaries, but her coworker goes to a different ward and she became more comfortable going with him there, so she was baptized into that ward instead. But I still had the honor and privilege of attending tons of her lessons, and she shared with me what a big influence I've had on her conversion story, which was so nice to hear because you really just don't know. I've worked hard to be there for her and testify and have felt the Spirit with her in lessons and invited her to things and have hung out, and I'm grateful that she appreciated my efforts and they touched her. Her baptism was beautiful and well attended! They had to put up an extra row of chairs during the first half because there were so many people. Her mom and step-dad both came and enjoyed the services, which was a huge answer to prayers, as her mom had been sending her anti stuff the two+ weeks leading up to her baptism. Kimberly asked me to give the closing prayer because she said she loves my prayers, that I give the best prayers from anyone she's ever heard, which also really touched my heart (and hey, no pressure, right?). Haha, I didn't feel tons of pressure. I just prayed to know in my heart what to say and the words came easily because prayer is really just me talking to my Heavenly Father, asking for blessings for those there and expressing gratitude to Him for what He has done in our lives. It was a beautiful ceremony and Kimberly looked overcome with joy and happiness. 

Therapy has made me hyperaware of a lot of my inadequacies and shortcomings, but it is also helping me more readily recognize my strengths and power. I am honored to be able to work on improving myself each day, focusing on the joy that comes as a gift from following Jesus Christ and trusting in Him to work out all the shortcomings and turn them into something great that will benefit myself and others instead of being sad or disappointed or embarrassed or defensive about my shortcomings. I can be comfortable with all the parts of who I am, which will empower me to do great work for the Lord while He makes up for my inadequacies AND turns them into strength.

The other exciting thing that happened this week is that I was able to film a follow-up video to the Sound of Freedom reaction one I posted last week, which had received SO many views and hits. I got over 270k views and over 1,000 subscribers from it. I asked my supervisor to help me film a follow-up video on how everyone can help, and then I spent the weekend editing them and just posted them today (one on my channel, one on the CLEAR Counseling channel) and I hope they take off as well and make a difference. I felt so blessed because it takes people almost a year to get that many subscribers and views, and it's only been 3 months for me. The Lord really has blessed me and gifted me with this because I've been wanting to do a therapy channel for years and finally got around to doing it at the end of April, committing to posting content, and I got around 20 to 50 views on my videos, but now with that one video I did, my views have increased, and for me, it's not about being famous; it's about reaching the right people with the messages I'm so passionate about sharing to help the world become a better place. And now I get to start doing that! Not to mention, I'm SO close to meeting the criteria to get monetized, which blew my mind because that typically takes a year after starting a channel. My videos already show ads, but I don't get paid for them, but hopefully in the next 2 days, I will meet the criteria, and what an extra blessing any income would be in helping me pay for schooling and start doing the things I want to do to make an impact in the world without overstressing about finances (not that I expect to make a lot of money at all, but it was like a nod from God saying He sees me and my financial worries and has my back). 

This was me looking cute on Friday for the video we filmed :)

Kimberly's baptism program! See me all the way at the bottom? ;)

Here is an inspirational quote for the week :)

Much love,

Emily Burnham

Kinda Viral

10 July - 16 July 2023 

Hello world,

I am happy to report that I am feeling and doing a lot better this week. This past week has had its ups and downs (such is life, right?), but the best thing has been hearing God speak to me, giving me inspiration and knowledge and turning bitter experiences into sweet lessons and hopeful futures. I'm hyperaware of my weaknesses and shortcomings thanks to my profession as a therapist, but I don't need to get bogged down in them. I realized I overthink about the things I do wrong and am more hyperaware than the average person, but this isn't because I have more "problems" or "issues" than them, I'm just conscious and aware of them because I'm working on them and paying attention to how they impact the people around me. Others have issues and problems (weaknesses and flaws) too, but they push them aside, ignore them, or don't seek them out. And so I've been feeling like a mess when I feel my weaknesses so acutely and others are acting all normal and confident, and then when I bring up a weakness (which I really don't need to because it's my responsibility to work on it, not explain it to any and everyone), and then the people don't relate or share their struggles (because that's not what is on their mind or what they want to think about), then I feel this need to prove that I'm normal and not crazy or problematic, or to justify myself. It's been so insightful to learn how to work through this, finding balance between taking responsibility for your actions and your part in causing problems in relationships, but also of self-grace and forgiveness and compartmentalizing when you feel your weaknesses acutely and when you can be confident. Because in front of clients is not appropriate to have a self-doubt meltdown or be so caught up in your own anxiety that you are not helpful and effective. But there are times for that in personal scripture study and in supervision, and I need to stop treating every person and circumstance like it's supervision. Also, I have realized that I try to say things for a "shock" effect to hook attention and get people to listen to me, because I still have an insecurity that people don't like listening to me, and I'm hyperaware of the times they don't and it adds to this narrative I've been telling myself for years. But I'm not realizing the power I've given to that narrative and that I can take that power away by telling myself a new narrative and searching for the evidence to back it up--that people do love talking with me and listening to me and respect what I have to say and that I don't have to fight to be heard. And there are plenty of encounters that can back up that story. And if someone truly does treat me like I'm not worth listening to, let that be the exception, and let that be a reflection on them and who they are, not on me and who I am. Do I think about things so deeply? Yes. Is that what most people do? No. But maybe they should. I don't know. But hey, if it works, it works. That's what I personally need to process things and be able to track my progress and development, and I can't see it being any other way. And others can do it their way. What is important is that we are all experiencing growth, feelings of joy from God, and hearing His feedback and guidance regularly. On Monday, I had an enjoyable evening at FHE playing ping-pong and hanging with my friend Kimberly and the sister missionaries. Tuesday night, I went to stake volleyball and had a surprisingly super fun evening. I felt so much more like myself, free to dance and sing and interact with people and cheer people on and just be light-hearted. On Wednesday, I had a gap after work where I could go home because my afternoon clients had canceled and I didn't have clients until 6pm, and then it lasted 2 hours, and I didn't get home until 9pm. Thursday evening, I had the choir pool party. I just went for the practice and didn't stay long afterward. It was so hot outside and I didn't want to swim, so I just went home. In my free time this week, I've been designing digital stickers for fun. Stickers I think people I know will like, and it's been really fun because it's low pressure but creative and once you make it, you'll always have it, and I can maybe even make money off of it if my work wants to use any of them to sell them. It's incredibly shocking how long it takes me to make one, but I am getting faster and learning different things that are making me better at using Adobe Illustrator. On Friday, I didn't have any clients, just a staff meeting (lunch was provided) and then supervision. I had a lot of tough client cases that I needed to talk about. For whatever reason, (probably my hypersensitivity to my own flaws and weaknesses feeding into my insecurities about being a good therapist), I've been struggling with my clients, not feeling like I know what to do or that I know what I'm doing period. After that, I recorded a video of me meeting Kimberly and commenting on her journey for her baptism. I also recorded another long video to put up on YouTube. The short video I made earlier in the week about my reaction to watching The Sound of Freedom went pretty viral! It's because it is such a hot topic, but I didn't have hashtags or a good cover, I just posted it midweek and forgot about it, then went to look three days later and had 9.3k views, and then within another 24 hours, I had 24k views and my subscribers have quadrupled since before I posted the video. So... wow. That's kinda nice to not have to work so hard to get the views and exposure. I want people to watch my videos! I want people to find my content helpful and I want to make an impact in this world, but it's been discouraging when I put so much effort into filming and editing and then I get a handful of views. So now I know the secret... talk about "hot topics" and you get views... I guess. That wasn't even my intention with the video I made. I just really felt like I wanted to do something more after watching Sound of Freedom, and I struggled to know what I could do and was pondering ways I could use what I do have to make a difference, and I shared it in a video, encouraging others to do the same, and I honestly didn't expect it to get many views. Probably like 20 to 50 views, which is the range my other videos got. Which, it's nice when your personal passions align with hot topics, but it's another thing if you don't want to chase down popular and trending topics to speak on and you just want to do your own thing and hope people are also interested in it. I don't want to have to chase down topics that are trending and comment on them; that's not where my passion lies. But I do want to keep making meaningful and inspiring content. On Saturday, I went to the temple and coincidentally had picked out the time a lady from my home family ward was going through the temple, so without coordinating it, I showed up and Val and my mom were there too! I had a girls night that evening, and we played Moods, ate snacks, and watched Legally Blonde. It was a good, refreshing time. Sunday, let me just say I looked absolutely gorgeous and got complimented on my hair and the color of my dress (two girls told me it was "my color" at church). I felt the spirit strong during Sunday school and socialized with lots of people. So it was a really good day! Oh, and also this week, I went through my old journals and letters and stuff and it was such an uplifting and heartening experience to remember things from my childhood and hear such incredible things from friends and family.

Here's me looking super cute on Sunday July 9th for church:

Here are some comments left on my channel:

Much love,

Emily Burnham

The Juggle is Real

 26 June - 9 July 2023

Let me take some time to reflect over some life lessons and struggles I've experienced these past two weeks. The first one warrants a bit of background: one of my biggest struggles has been food, ever since getting diagnosed with my food allergies at the age of 17, I've had periods of time where I hate eating and other times where I've been fine. Sometimes I undereat or overeat, and sometimes I eat unhealthy foods that hurt my stomach or not buying enough food to eat because I worry about how much food costs. So I have this struggle, and it's been getting lots better with time, but still rears its ugly head every once in a while. This past week was one of those times. Lately, I've been doing so good with making sure to eat whole foods, nutritious things that are good for me and follow my dietary restrictions and taking lots of vitamins. But then I stopped for a week and was undereating (and it's not my mom's fault AT ALL because I need to take care of myself, but when my mom doesn't cook regular meals, that's when I stop eating regularly, but no worries because we've come up with a game plan and I'll be taking more active steps in planning and making my own meals) and anyways, it really messed me up and made it so I was in survival mode and unable to handle life's stressors as well. As I was looking over my course list and seeing all the assignments and work required of me, on top of the time and effort I need to put into studying for and passing my exam, on top of fitting everything else in with clients and my calling, I became exceedingly overwhelmed to the point of tears. Granted, I also hadn't eaten anything yet that day, and it was around noon. I'd not eaten well the past couple of days, not intaking enough calories. I've lost around 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. My mom helped me see and realize how I needed to prioritize feeding myself and then afterwards I can deal with the other stressors better. It's almost like my brain chemistry gets off or something, because I cannot think as rationally, it's harder to interact socially, and it's easier to stress and obsess about things that I thought I had a handle on. For example, I've been crushing on this guy but it has been single-sided, so I have been working to get over it and feel more healthy and secure in my relationship with myself. After months of distance and some clarity, I was really able to get in a better place of not thinking about him as much. When I next ran into him after working some things out, I didn't freak out, my heart didn't race, and I wasn't devastated or crushed that he didn't really talk to me. I felt at peace about things and wasn't obsessed or worrying about what he thought of me... but then after a week of not eating well, I'm not only overwhelmed with school and my stake calling, but I'm suddenly really bothered and hurt by this guy, feeling like I'm all the way back to square one in my attempts to healthily get over him. So, all of that is to say that my mental and emotional and physical health are all heavily influenced by my diet and how/what I eat, and that I am really going to need to take a step back from everything else and prioritize eating nutritious, regular meals instead of getting sucked into worrying about other things or prioritizing other things and forgetting to eat or purposefully skipping meals. Because the truth is, I'm not going through anything unique. I'm simply going through an uncomfortable stage in my life, and I just have to deal with the disappointment and manage my feelings, reigning them in as needed, but just giving myself a lot of grace and reassurance and kindness as I work through this phase, because I can't force my feelings away. But I can keep striving to find things to be grateful for and fulfillment in my individual life, not focusing on those feelings or building unrealistic expectations. And hey, I trust God to work all of this out for my good. He is the master of time and knows the best timing for me and for my future spouse, and I'm learning that there truly is beauty in the waiting for something because as you start to feel its absence and yearn for it, you're less likely to take it for granted when you finally get it, and you're more likely to cherish it and treat it special. This goes with waiting for a spouse or waiting to have a child. Even though the sense of loss and yearning can be painful in the moment, it sets you up for a brighter and more gratitude-filled future.

Now for some highlights of the past two weeks! We went on the Burnham campout, and while I rediscovered that I'm not the biggest camper, I am grateful for the memories I got to make with my family members. I did get to ride around on my dad's quad, and we saw the most epic firework show in Heber! I also got to spend lots of time with baby Gracelyn!

We also had FHE at a trampoline park June 26th and I jumped SO high on those tramps! I had to be careful though because my knee is still recovering. It's now been two weeks and my knee is looking better, but still has lots of healing to do. 

Believe it or not, this is some great progress in healing:

Also, my new hobby is making stickers! Not quite like Lucy, though. She brought up a sheet of sticker paper and has really enjoyed coloring and making these beautiful masterpieces. I'm talking more about the design side of it, where I am coming up with different ideas and creating them in illustrator so we can print and market and sell them to clients! Plus, I can make some personalized designs for me and friends for free ;). So far, one of them is a saying with a picture of three juggling balls that says, "The juggle is real." And I find that SO relatable right now, because the struggle is real with everything I'm trying to juggle, but I'm hanging in there and making the most of it. And the best part is I don't have to do it alone. God is so merciful and full of grace and loves to swoop in to remind me that He is there, that He loves me and can heal me and strengthen me to keep going.

OH! AND I ALMOST FORGOT MY HAPPY MOMENT OF THE WEEK!! So my friend Kimberly is getting baptized!! I found that out while I was at the trampoline park place. She had texted me! But, just recently, she asked me to give the closing prayer at her baptism. I told her I was surprised she hadn't asked me to give a talk (jokingly) and she said, "I thought about it, but I absolutely love your prayers. You say the best prayers!" That made me feel so good :):):) (insert a million more happy smiley face emojis). 

Much love,

Emily Burnham