10 July - 16 July 2023
Hello world,
I am happy to report that I am feeling and doing a lot better this week. This past week has had its ups and downs (such is life, right?), but the best thing has been hearing God speak to me, giving me inspiration and knowledge and turning bitter experiences into sweet lessons and hopeful futures. I'm hyperaware of my weaknesses and shortcomings thanks to my profession as a therapist, but I don't need to get bogged down in them. I realized I overthink about the things I do wrong and am more hyperaware than the average person, but this isn't because I have more "problems" or "issues" than them, I'm just conscious and aware of them because I'm working on them and paying attention to how they impact the people around me. Others have issues and problems (weaknesses and flaws) too, but they push them aside, ignore them, or don't seek them out. And so I've been feeling like a mess when I feel my weaknesses so acutely and others are acting all normal and confident, and then when I bring up a weakness (which I really don't need to because it's my responsibility to work on it, not explain it to any and everyone), and then the people don't relate or share their struggles (because that's not what is on their mind or what they want to think about), then I feel this need to prove that I'm normal and not crazy or problematic, or to justify myself. It's been so insightful to learn how to work through this, finding balance between taking responsibility for your actions and your part in causing problems in relationships, but also of self-grace and forgiveness and compartmentalizing when you feel your weaknesses acutely and when you can be confident. Because in front of clients is not appropriate to have a self-doubt meltdown or be so caught up in your own anxiety that you are not helpful and effective. But there are times for that in personal scripture study and in supervision, and I need to stop treating every person and circumstance like it's supervision. Also, I have realized that I try to say things for a "shock" effect to hook attention and get people to listen to me, because I still have an insecurity that people don't like listening to me, and I'm hyperaware of the times they don't and it adds to this narrative I've been telling myself for years. But I'm not realizing the power I've given to that narrative and that I can take that power away by telling myself a new narrative and searching for the evidence to back it up--that people do love talking with me and listening to me and respect what I have to say and that I don't have to fight to be heard. And there are plenty of encounters that can back up that story. And if someone truly does treat me like I'm not worth listening to, let that be the exception, and let that be a reflection on them and who they are, not on me and who I am. Do I think about things so deeply? Yes. Is that what most people do? No. But maybe they should. I don't know. But hey, if it works, it works. That's what I personally need to process things and be able to track my progress and development, and I can't see it being any other way. And others can do it their way. What is important is that we are all experiencing growth, feelings of joy from God, and hearing His feedback and guidance regularly. On Monday, I had an enjoyable evening at FHE playing ping-pong and hanging with my friend Kimberly and the sister missionaries. Tuesday night, I went to stake volleyball and had a surprisingly super fun evening. I felt so much more like myself, free to dance and sing and interact with people and cheer people on and just be light-hearted. On Wednesday, I had a gap after work where I could go home because my afternoon clients had canceled and I didn't have clients until 6pm, and then it lasted 2 hours, and I didn't get home until 9pm. Thursday evening, I had the choir pool party. I just went for the practice and didn't stay long afterward. It was so hot outside and I didn't want to swim, so I just went home. In my free time this week, I've been designing digital stickers for fun. Stickers I think people I know will like, and it's been really fun because it's low pressure but creative and once you make it, you'll always have it, and I can maybe even make money off of it if my work wants to use any of them to sell them. It's incredibly shocking how long it takes me to make one, but I am getting faster and learning different things that are making me better at using Adobe Illustrator. On Friday, I didn't have any clients, just a staff meeting (lunch was provided) and then supervision. I had a lot of tough client cases that I needed to talk about. For whatever reason, (probably my hypersensitivity to my own flaws and weaknesses feeding into my insecurities about being a good therapist), I've been struggling with my clients, not feeling like I know what to do or that I know what I'm doing period. After that, I recorded a video of me meeting Kimberly and commenting on her journey for her baptism. I also recorded another long video to put up on YouTube. The short video I made earlier in the week about my reaction to watching The Sound of Freedom went pretty viral! It's because it is such a hot topic, but I didn't have hashtags or a good cover, I just posted it midweek and forgot about it, then went to look three days later and had 9.3k views, and then within another 24 hours, I had 24k views and my subscribers have quadrupled since before I posted the video. So... wow. That's kinda nice to not have to work so hard to get the views and exposure. I want people to watch my videos! I want people to find my content helpful and I want to make an impact in this world, but it's been discouraging when I put so much effort into filming and editing and then I get a handful of views. So now I know the secret... talk about "hot topics" and you get views... I guess. That wasn't even my intention with the video I made. I just really felt like I wanted to do something more after watching Sound of Freedom, and I struggled to know what I could do and was pondering ways I could use what I do have to make a difference, and I shared it in a video, encouraging others to do the same, and I honestly didn't expect it to get many views. Probably like 20 to 50 views, which is the range my other videos got. Which, it's nice when your personal passions align with hot topics, but it's another thing if you don't want to chase down popular and trending topics to speak on and you just want to do your own thing and hope people are also interested in it. I don't want to have to chase down topics that are trending and comment on them; that's not where my passion lies. But I do want to keep making meaningful and inspiring content. On Saturday, I went to the temple and coincidentally had picked out the time a lady from my home family ward was going through the temple, so without coordinating it, I showed up and Val and my mom were there too! I had a girls night that evening, and we played Moods, ate snacks, and watched Legally Blonde. It was a good, refreshing time. Sunday, let me just say I looked absolutely gorgeous and got complimented on my hair and the color of my dress (two girls told me it was "my color" at church). I felt the spirit strong during Sunday school and socialized with lots of people. So it was a really good day! Oh, and also this week, I went through my old journals and letters and stuff and it was such an uplifting and heartening experience to remember things from my childhood and hear such incredible things from friends and family.
Here are some comments left on my channel:
Much love,
Emily Burnham
No comments:
Post a Comment