26 June - 9 July 2023
Let me take some time to reflect over some life lessons and struggles I've experienced these past two weeks. The first one warrants a bit of background: one of my biggest struggles has been food, ever since getting diagnosed with my food allergies at the age of 17, I've had periods of time where I hate eating and other times where I've been fine. Sometimes I undereat or overeat, and sometimes I eat unhealthy foods that hurt my stomach or not buying enough food to eat because I worry about how much food costs. So I have this struggle, and it's been getting lots better with time, but still rears its ugly head every once in a while. This past week was one of those times. Lately, I've been doing so good with making sure to eat whole foods, nutritious things that are good for me and follow my dietary restrictions and taking lots of vitamins. But then I stopped for a week and was undereating (and it's not my mom's fault AT ALL because I need to take care of myself, but when my mom doesn't cook regular meals, that's when I stop eating regularly, but no worries because we've come up with a game plan and I'll be taking more active steps in planning and making my own meals) and anyways, it really messed me up and made it so I was in survival mode and unable to handle life's stressors as well. As I was looking over my course list and seeing all the assignments and work required of me, on top of the time and effort I need to put into studying for and passing my exam, on top of fitting everything else in with clients and my calling, I became exceedingly overwhelmed to the point of tears. Granted, I also hadn't eaten anything yet that day, and it was around noon. I'd not eaten well the past couple of days, not intaking enough calories. I've lost around 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. My mom helped me see and realize how I needed to prioritize feeding myself and then afterwards I can deal with the other stressors better. It's almost like my brain chemistry gets off or something, because I cannot think as rationally, it's harder to interact socially, and it's easier to stress and obsess about things that I thought I had a handle on. For example, I've been crushing on this guy but it has been single-sided, so I have been working to get over it and feel more healthy and secure in my relationship with myself. After months of distance and some clarity, I was really able to get in a better place of not thinking about him as much. When I next ran into him after working some things out, I didn't freak out, my heart didn't race, and I wasn't devastated or crushed that he didn't really talk to me. I felt at peace about things and wasn't obsessed or worrying about what he thought of me... but then after a week of not eating well, I'm not only overwhelmed with school and my stake calling, but I'm suddenly really bothered and hurt by this guy, feeling like I'm all the way back to square one in my attempts to healthily get over him. So, all of that is to say that my mental and emotional and physical health are all heavily influenced by my diet and how/what I eat, and that I am really going to need to take a step back from everything else and prioritize eating nutritious, regular meals instead of getting sucked into worrying about other things or prioritizing other things and forgetting to eat or purposefully skipping meals. Because the truth is, I'm not going through anything unique. I'm simply going through an uncomfortable stage in my life, and I just have to deal with the disappointment and manage my feelings, reigning them in as needed, but just giving myself a lot of grace and reassurance and kindness as I work through this phase, because I can't force my feelings away. But I can keep striving to find things to be grateful for and fulfillment in my individual life, not focusing on those feelings or building unrealistic expectations. And hey, I trust God to work all of this out for my good. He is the master of time and knows the best timing for me and for my future spouse, and I'm learning that there truly is beauty in the waiting for something because as you start to feel its absence and yearn for it, you're less likely to take it for granted when you finally get it, and you're more likely to cherish it and treat it special. This goes with waiting for a spouse or waiting to have a child. Even though the sense of loss and yearning can be painful in the moment, it sets you up for a brighter and more gratitude-filled future.
Now for some highlights of the past two weeks! We went on the Burnham campout, and while I rediscovered that I'm not the biggest camper, I am grateful for the memories I got to make with my family members. I did get to ride around on my dad's quad, and we saw the most epic firework show in Heber! I also got to spend lots of time with baby Gracelyn!
We also had FHE at a trampoline park June 26th and I jumped SO high on those tramps! I had to be careful though because my knee is still recovering. It's now been two weeks and my knee is looking better, but still has lots of healing to do.
Also, my new hobby is making stickers! Not quite like Lucy, though. She brought up a sheet of sticker paper and has really enjoyed coloring and making these beautiful masterpieces. I'm talking more about the design side of it, where I am coming up with different ideas and creating them in illustrator so we can print and market and sell them to clients! Plus, I can make some personalized designs for me and friends for free ;). So far, one of them is a saying with a picture of three juggling balls that says, "The juggle is real." And I find that SO relatable right now, because the struggle is real with everything I'm trying to juggle, but I'm hanging in there and making the most of it. And the best part is I don't have to do it alone. God is so merciful and full of grace and loves to swoop in to remind me that He is there, that He loves me and can heal me and strengthen me to keep going.
OH! AND I ALMOST FORGOT MY HAPPY MOMENT OF THE WEEK!! So my friend Kimberly is getting baptized!! I found that out while I was at the trampoline park place. She had texted me! But, just recently, she asked me to give the closing prayer at her baptism. I told her I was surprised she hadn't asked me to give a talk (jokingly) and she said, "I thought about it, but I absolutely love your prayers. You say the best prayers!" That made me feel so good :):):) (insert a million more happy smiley face emojis).
Much love,
Emily Burnham
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