Courage To Be All-In

 17 January - 23 January 2021

A new movie on Disney Plus came out that looked good, so I told my parents we were going to watch it for FHE (because I didn't want to go play ultimate frisbee with my ward...). Well, that movie was BORING! We got just over half way, then turned in for the night.

On Wednesday, I did not have a good day at work. I don't know what triggered me, probably that I got feedback on things I need to do better--and it's not necessarily that I got feedback, but the way I got feedback. I don't like how they treat me like I'm a "dumb" secretary. Just because I have an "easy job" so that I can work on my Master's degree doesn't mean I am dumb. In fact, it shows how smart I am because I am basically getting paid to do schoolwork! Anyways, I don't even think they are aware of it, because if they were conscious of what they were doing and how it made me feel, they would feel terrible, because they are nice people. But anyways, I took a picture of how sad I looked. Anyways, when I got home from work, my family wanted to go play racquetball, and I wasn't in the mood, but they said it would help me feel better. I went. Well, I got hit five times with the ball!!! And at the end, I was dragging because of low blood sugar. But I'm still glad I went to spend time with my family.

On Thursday night, Lucy went to  babysit, so I got to watch some episodes of Lost in Space! I am almost done with the series, but I can't watch it when Lucy is home because she throws a fit and threatens to take off Netflix and yadadadada. But it was a perfect way to end the night.

I attended the temple on Saturday, then got some gas on my way home at Sam's Club. Earlier in the week, I was feeling down about not having any friends in the ward (or in general here in AZ) and was feeling frustrated. I was playing with the idea of just moving back to Provo/Orem where the social life and wards were better. But then I was stressing about how I would have enough money to pay rent, and food, and school, and have a job that paid less or didn't allow me as much time for school. Then I was just frustrated. But the Lord humbled me. I need to sacrifice all I have to learn something about myself. I can't just run away from my problems--that won't fix them. I need to give my all to this ward. I know what it could be like, and I can start working on changing it for the better by starting off by changing myself. I had some ideas come to mind. One, I'd start a weekly CFM study group with games afterwards to create my own friend group and gather with others who might also feel left out in the ward. Second, I would learn everyone's name in the ward so that I can greet them by name when I see them. Third, I would buy a huge bag of chocolate and always keep some in my church bag to give out to people. I remember Mira did this. She always had chocolate and offered it to people and joked that it was how she kept all her friends. So after I got gas at Sam's Club, I made a quick pitstop inside to buy a huge bag of chocolates. I brought some on Sunday and gave them out to people and started working on learning names and saying hi to them and asking about their week. It was a great Sunday! Guys, this plan is genius. Plus, lots of people were happy or touched that I gave them candy. DOUBLE PLUS, I looked like a super model ;).

Last week, I got some nasty comments from some person on YouTube. Well, this week, I found out that my dad had responded to the person, defending me and tearing their argument apart to make them look stupid. That warmed my heart because my dad was looking out for me and defending me. Maybe my channel doesn't reach a whole lot of people, but it is important to me, and I'm grateful for my family's support.

I bought a book this week called "Finish and Publish Your Book." I've come to the conclusion that I don't like working when it is a job not of my choosing, but of necessity or convenience. I want to spend my time doing something that is meaningful and gives me a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. I was inspired to get this book to help me know what it would take to publish the books I am writing and want to write. As I was reading through, I was encouraged at first, because I'm on the right track and know a lot about writing in general and making it meaningful and purposeful. Then I got to the sections about hiring an editor, getting the cover done, picking which formats to publish in, and marketing/promoting your book. Then I started to feel overwhelmed and not as confident in my ability to do it. Basically, you need to be all-in and prioritize writing and promoting above other things in your life. You need to think of yourself as an author and start building your fanbase before your book is even published! I don't like the idea of trying to get an email list going or a FB fan page before I even have a finished product! Then, as I read Alma 57 about the courage of the 2,000 stripling warriors, I realized something. They had no idea how to fight. They had never fought before, nor had they ever seen their fathers fight. But they had courage to go for it, to be all-in, and trust in the Lord and words of their mothers. I think Satan works the hardest to discourage you from doing something when it is going to have a positive impact on the world, and I don't want to let him win. I'm going to choose to have courage, to put my faith in the Lord, and even though I'm nervous and don't know how it will go, I am going to be all-in. I am going to take the time to write each day. I am going to talk about my books to others, treat myself as a serious author, and work my butt off with the goal that someday, I will get paid for my books. I won't have to work a job not of my choosing.

Much love and much courage,

Emily Burnham