Fitting In

10 January - 16 January 2021

I feel like writing this post as a song, lol. I've been a little down this past week, and as I ponder years past, it seems like in January/February, I'm a little bit sad and sorrowful, ponderous and weighed down. My mom calls it seasonal depression, which she also experiences. So it's a bit harder to focus and feel the positive things going on in life right now, but here goes :)

My mom and sister were amazing in helping me come up with the plan for FHE and carry out all the prep work. We had eight people come, and we made snow flakes, then picked some people to decorate their doors with in the ward. I really hope that made their day. 

The other strange thing that happened this week was that overnight, I got a couple thousand views on some of my YouTube videos. I think it was because this person emailed me a couple days ago and said that they loved the content of my channel so much that they would promote it for me for free. Well, whatever they did worked, but I actually didn't feel good about it because even with all those views, the average watch time was less than a minute and I didn't get a single subscriber more (though I did reach 400 subscribers this past week!). And, some person left mean comments on my video about tithing about how I'm lying and teaching false doctrine and yada yada yada. Blah. So if I get a lot of viewers, I want it to be from people genuinely interested in learning about the gospel and not people who are potentially getting paid to watch and troll and leave mean comments that make me sad. :(

Mom came down sick this week, catching whatever I had. One night, her head was hurting and she tied a belt around it to help with the pressure. It looked hilarious, so of course I snagged a picture ;)

On Wednesday, I brought Adrian his birthday present, which was a Book of Mormon and some chocolate. He seemed very pleased to get a gift. After work, I went to drop off the gifts I'd gotten for my ministering sisters. On the very last delivery, I dropped the jar of salsa and it broke in the middle of the street! So instead of getting chips and salsa, they only got chips... oh well. It's the thought that counts!

On Friday, I had my second interview for FSY, which was in person. I was told 10 minutes before the meeting that I would have two minutes to lead a discussion on "language" from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. It was easy and I think it went super well. Whenever you focus on Jesus Christ and testifying of Him, teaching is easy because the Spirit is there. On Saturday, I had a video call date with a guy from mutual who lives in New Hampshire. After, I went to a temple session. I also attended Robbie's wedding reception. They had catered dinner from Cafe Rio, so my family ate a ton. Then I left. I went home and watched Encanto and then Lost in Space. 

I have a cool testimony and experience to share about Sunday. Like I mentioned earlier, I just haven't been feeling very happy or positive this week. In fact, on Saturday and Sunday I was so mad at Sean because he was annoying and frustrating. I went to church and sat in sacrament meeting and just cried during all the hymns and the sacrament. Tears rolled down my cheeks and snot dripped from my nose--the whole shazam. After the sacrament was passed, I snuck out to the bathroom to blow my nose and wipe my eyes better. But the reason I was crying was because I sat there having a conversation with God about how lonely I felt, and how I didn't feel like I fit in with anyone at church. I didn't feel like I had any friends, nor knew anyone I wanted to be friends with. A question came to mind, "Am I even going to fit in when I get to Heaven?" Because I didn't feel like I fit in right now, even among faithful church goers. The first thought that came to mind was that my Grandma Kathy was aware of how I was feeling and wanted to tell me that yes, I fit in! That she loved me and wanted me to know I fit in with her. And then of course with Jesus Christ. That when I kneel before Him one day, every doubt I've ever had about fitting in will melt completely away. I will fit in with my Heavenly Father and Mother, with my earthly mother and father. With my eternal friends. Just because I feel lonely in this moment doesn't mean I will always feel this way. In fact, when I do end up with those I belong with and feel the joy of belonging and being loved every day, I will be that much more grateful because I know what the opposite feels like. And I will be more conscientious of others who may be feeling lonely and out of place. I need to continue looking forward in faith and hope and love.

Much love,

Emily Burnham