Custodial, Covid-19, Camera, and Calmness

23 March - 29 March 2020

Despite not going to classes, this week has been super eventful and much better than the previous week. Why? Well, ironically, it was because I took back my old job of doing early-morning custodial at the Smith Field House. While I was utterly exhausted in the mornings, I felt SO much more productive and better that I was earning more money. ALSO. I had people to talk to every day. It fulfilled my need for human belonging and contact, which was fabulous. I was able to focus better each day and accomplish my school work faster. I had energy to make some delicious meals this week, including homemade banana bread and curry! I was home alone for most of the week, which is why I was so grateful for work. Unfortunately, I just found out yesterday that they are shutting down the building and nobody can work anymore (thanks to covid19) so that was pretty short lived... haha, oh well. I made enough money in that one week to help me purchase a new camera! I hope I like using it! We'll see. It's going to be for creating videos for my YouTube channel, since the library media center has closed down.

One life-changing thing that happened to me was that I started listening to the book, "The Power of Stillness" while I was at work this week, and even just the first 30 minutes of the book changed my way of thinking for the better. It even inspired me to write a song! (It's still in the process, but hopefully will be done soon so I can post it for y'all to hear). The book talks about how it's the society we live in that is always pushing us to do more in less time. The more we can accomplish, the better we are. However, God doesn't work like that. In fact, He invites us to be still and know Him. Being still doesn't just mean being physically still in a quiet place, but also quieting the inner mind. As our minds are quiet, then we can hear Him. The book also talks about how we don't need to necessarily pray longer and say more things, but to just sit in the presence of God and be with Him. Feel Him. Spend some time with Him. I am grateful to know that God doesn't require me to give more than I am, and that I'm no less profitable to Him. I've learned that God gives us limits so that when we reach them, we'll remember to come back to Him. He already sent someone who saved everyone, so it's not our job to save everyone. We need to trust God to be able to do His work without us, because sometimes we need to take a break and care for ourselves. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed that we can't take another breathe, let alone another step. And that doesn't make us any less. We're human.

I also learned a hard lesson this week. The utility bill is completely in my name, and then my roommates just Venmo me back every month their portion. Well, what happens when one roommate doesn't want to pay for their share because they move out early, but are still under contract and are still paying utilities? Yikes. I'm never making that mistake again. My future roommates are going to sign a contract from me. Fortunately, my other two roommates were understanding and said that they wouldn't abandon me with their rent even when they move out early or get married because they understand that it is an extension of rent. That was my biggest fear--that all of them would decide to not pay because they were also leaving early, and I'd be stuck with a bill four times the usual 27 dollars we're responsible for. While I was feeling angry and bitter and frustrated towards the roommate who argued about not paying, I prayed until I found peace, and then I was just filled with gratitude after talking to my other two roommates and hearing how they not only will continue to pay rent while they are under contract, but that they are also willing to help pay for the cost of the one roommate who won't pay next month. They didn't have to, but they did. I am so grateful not to have this big financial burden all on my shoulders, and I'm even more grateful for my Savior who has carried ALL of my burdens on his shoulders.

Other quick news of the week:

It snowed. Spring, where are you?

We found trash dating back to the 70s underneath the BYU stands in the Smith Field House! Look how old the cans and brand of candies are! I felt like an archaeologist! 

I'm grateful for my family! I got to participate in Sunday School with them again. I'm grateful for the gift of friendship and music. I'm grateful for the Spirit. I'm grateful I got to see my ward over Zoom today as well for Sunday School.

Much love,
Emily Burnham

Peace and Contentment in Turmoil

16 March - 22 March 2020

Hey there, fam!

When you're feeling content and comfortable, that's when you know disaster will strike—something that will come along, rock your world, and shake you out of your comfort zone. That's what I always heard. But our prophet has been sharing a different story lately. In the midst of hard circumstances, trials, adversity—you can experience joy. Joy comes from the focus of our lives, not the circumstances going on around us. I felt this personally throughout the past week. Were there times when I was lonely? Sad? Disappointed? Frustrated? Absolutely yes. But there were also frequent moments where I felt absolute peace, contentment, hope, and gratitude. I felt my Savior and my Father's presence and guidance. I felt hope and excitement for the future. A future that God is shaping. God, who is my Father, who has my best interests in mind. I truly do have so much to look forward to, and these bitter moments will only make the future good moments that much sweeter.

This week I said goodbye to my roommate Miranda. Her room is completely empty now, and the house feels a lot more emptier as well. In fact, I am often the only one home. Miranda LOVED the card I had everyone in the ward sign for her. She was so touched by it and said it helped give her some closure and that it was such an inspired thing to do (which I can confirm, because it was literal inspiration from Heaven one morning when I woke up and prayed for ways to serve others).

Classes are going well. My motivation to listen to the recorded lectures and do my assignment varies day by day, with some being more productive than others. But classes are going well! I got to lead out a group discussion on Wednesday for almost an hour. My giant research paper that got accepted all those months ago for publication is finally in the process of getting edited (which means that editors send their suggestions to me to fix up). It's a lot of work! It's made me question if I ever want to get published again! But I hope that it will be worth it in the end. Also, I went up to campus to study and had a classroom all to myself in the middle of a weekday! #CoronaVirus19

I feel so blessed to have Whitney (my freshman roommate) in my life. She is a literal godsend in my life at this time. We've hung out quite a few times this week because we are both in the same boat with having no family or roommates around. On Saturday, she came over to sing with me, then later that night invited me to a movie night (we saw the new Emma). She walked me home and we ended up talking for another hour and a half. It is so easy for us to talk about anything! We are quite the pair of goofballs, for sure!

Other highlights of my week: I've been working a lot on videos to post on my YouTube channel (I'm excited... y'all are going to be impressed with the new introduction and end screens). When I went out to practice jumps for my ice-skating assignment, I ran into two guys in the ward playing Frisbee (well, I went over to tell them not to think I'm crazy for randomly jumping and twirling in the air) and was invited to play with them for a bit. That was good because I'd been all alone that day at my apartment, so God sent me some company. Also, when I did get around to practicing my jumps, I was glad no one was around because I was SUPER terrible. I almost fell over so many times, haha. I also had a couple of really great talks with my roommate Katie throughout the week. She has taught me the importance of truly listening to my body. Sometimes your body needs a break or wants a treat, and you don't need to fight it all the time. Be in-tune with your needs, both physical, emotional, and mental.

Sunday was so good! I got to partake of the sacrament in my very own living room, courtesy of my FHE brothers. I got to listen to to my family's Sunday school lesson and learn some great things from my family that I was then able to use for when I helped teach Sunday School over Zoom for my ward here in Provo. It went SO well. All my fears immediately dissipated within five minutes of the call because so many people were willing to participate and we had over twenty people listening in. It was sooo good to see everyone in their homes and feel connected. Everyone seemed to really enjoy it! My heart was so full at the end with love and gratitude that it had turned out well, and I was sad to see it end, honestly. God is good. Because He is good, He blesses us. Even in the hard times (especially in the hard times), I feel His love.

Love you all SO much,
Emily Burnham

Start of the Coronavirus Pandemic

9 March - 15 March 2020

Wow, after this week, there is only one way to describe how I am feeling: shooketh. What started out as a normal week with lots of speculation became a crazy reality. One day we had classes and homework like usual. The next, we find out that class is cancelled for three days. When I first found out that BYU was cancelling classes and moving everything online, that all campus events were cancelled (including graduation), and that the church was cancelling church and all social activities, I was so bummed. No more ice skating class! No more basketball intramurals. No more fun events. The rink shut down, even the ski resort where I was going to get to ski for the first time next Friday! Not as many hours of work and the family I help out with piano keeps cancelling now. Most likely I won't get to serve in the temple anymore. But my loving friends and family reminded me to look on the bright side, and I am also so grateful for the multitude of tender mercies and blessings that are now in my life. I have more time to refocus on Jesus Christ and have more time to write or do art or work on my YouTube channel. Through work, I was able to gain access to adobe premier and photoshop right on my laptop! This happened just days before everything went crazy. Additionally, I have taken this opportunity to make my anxiety useful. I have come to realize the blessing of my anxiety. It reminds me to turn outward in love and service to others, forgetting myself in the process. When I am feeling the most sad or anxious or worried, it reminds me of the desperate need I have to connect with others and think of ways to serve so that I can overcome those feelings. It truly binds me to others. This week I have spent a lot of time praying for and thinking of ways to bless the lives of others. The first idea that came to mind was to have a bunch of people sign a card for my roommate that is leaving soon. I made a giant and super cute card and went door to door on Saturday having people sign it. It was such a good excuse to get to see everyone and interact with so many people, which helped the day go by faster and cheered me up. I also had the idea to write a bunch of nice-notes to people in the ward, which I did. Miranda even told me some girls that have been struggling and I wrote each of them a note.

Other things of note: in my ice skating class on Tuesday, we had split into groups and were beginning to plan our final performance. My group of three was going to do "Come Alive" from The Greatest Showman and it was (past tense) going to be awesome. Oh well. Additionally, I went on a date on Wednesday. The guy was pretty cute and super nice, but I think he maybe thought I was too old for him (even though I'm probably only two years older). It was good, but I don't think anything more will come of it, especially now with good ole Corona here to distract everyone ;). I got to spend time with my roomie Katie--we watched part of Finding Dory together.

I loved working in the temple on Friday. It is the best! I also took myself out to dinner Friday night to celebrate surviving the crazy week (also because I've not been motivated to cook or eat food with all the stressful, crazy things happening). Saturday night, I was invited over to watch a movie, The Ringer, with Cory and Jason, so that was fun!

On Sunday, I got to video chat with my family as they had their own church meeting, including my dad blessing the sacrament. He even held the plate of bread in front of the phone so it felt like he was giving it to me. It made me cry, seeing him do the sacrament in our home, because for the first time that day, it truly felt like Sunday and I finally found peace and reverence after all the craziness that had been going on. Later that afternoon, I was blessed to participate in a Come, Follow Me conference call that my mission president put on, which further helped me feel like it was Sunday and motivated me to be better. Afterwards, I wrote a TON of nice notes and my friend Whitney came over and talked and then helped me deliver them. Then she took me to her home and fed me dinner (so sweet) before we went to her friend's place for a short gospel discussion and game night.

I know during this time of uncertainty, so many blessings will come. So many people are reaching out and bonding together. I have my moments of fear and stress and worry, but I also have moments of peace and reassurance and inspiration. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life and to have such a close relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Love,
Emily Burnham

The Gospel of Jesus Christ Cutouts

    

      

Elder Holland... We Meet Again!

2 March - 8 March 2020

Another week, another entry! What can I say, life is tough. But blessings keep pouring down upon me. Even when I am too weak or tired or when I feel inadequate, my Father's love is so apparent and evident. My high light on Monday was the game we played during FHE. We all submitted answers to questions and then voted for the one that was the funniest. I named my little character "Bob" and one of the funniest answers I gave was, "You finally complete a 1,000 piece puzzle only to be disappointed that it is a picture of a..." noodle. My competition's answer was "an orange," so of course I won because noodles are way funnier than oranges ;).

I went to my Tuesday ice skating class, but I don't feel like I'm getting much better, which is discouraging. I need to practice off of the ice to overcome some of my fears of jumps and tricks. I went shopping after my ice skating class and bought all the healthy foods, so you should be proud of me. When you eat well, you really do feel better, and when you are facing mental health challenges, you need all the help you can get! From vegetables, fruits, the sun, etc. My mom got me a sun-light that is supposed to help with seasonal depression and it is great! I love the natural lighting and I love feeling so loved because my mom gave it to me as a gift. That evening, I taught the Nixon kids piano and babysat them. They are so fun and cute! We watched The Pacifier and then I tried putting them to bed. They did not want to go to sleep! I eventually got them in bed (almost 30 minutes past the time the mom wanted them in bed) and then I had to tell them a story on the spot. Since I had recently seen Captain America, I made up some knock-off version of the story about this weak guy who is transformed for a secret mission by eating kiwis. Yeah, there were a lot of plot holes in my story, which the oldest boy kept picking apart... :).

I did not feel all to well on Wednesday. I had so much to do these past few days, like every spare minute was filled and I'm completely exhausted. I still went into work (blah) but it was good because I had a great conversation with one of my coworkers and I told him about my YouTube channel, which he thought was super awesome! I had a bit of a headache so I ditched out of my evening research class early and went home to eat food and take a short nap before working on homework.

On Thursday afternoon, I drove my friend Lexy to the airport and then afterwards went and filmed my friend Eliza about what it means to be a consecrated missionary. I'm so excited for it to be released! Som many good videos are coming out soon! I stayed up working on my annotated bibliography for my neuro class right up until my bedtime.

Wow, Friday was quite the day. I love working at the temple. I find so much peace there and love all my fellow servants who serve there as well. Today I was extra blessed to be serving in the temple because... guess who said "hi" to me? Yup, Elder Holland! He and his wife were in the temple hallway and walked right past me! And said "hi" to my star-struck gaze. I think I said hi back, but I can't be sure because I was refraining myself from saying, "Hey, remember when we met two years ago at the Florida Tallahassee Mission Conference?" I had a huge smile on my face as I continued to walk down the hallway. For the rest of the day, though, I had a huge headache that for a bit crossed the line of a migraine. While I wasn't feeling super well, I was able to meet up with my old mission companion, Becca! We went and got fries together and I really enjoyed talking to her. She inspires me! We also won our basketball game that evening, and I also scored three baskets! Go me! (Haha, I really am not that good since I don't practice consistently). Friday night was the worst! I went to bed and... nothing. Sleep just evaded me. I was so so mad! 12am rolls around. Then one, then two. Finally, I gave up and read a sad book that made me cry. After an hour of crying my eyes out, I finally fell asleep around 3:30am. Then woke up at 6:30am! Ugh. I tried to sleep in for another hour before getting up for the day around 8am.

I went with the ward to the temple Saturday morning. I told Satan that it didn't matter if I was tired and hadn't slept well, he wasn't keeping me from the temple! It was a great experience to be on the side receiving the ordinances that I now get to administer on Fridays. I decided I was going ice skating in the afternoon. I've been feeling so much pressure on myself lately. So icky and sinful and inadequate and discouraged. I know it was the adversary and my natural man, so I decided to do something I love and that usually relieves stress. But I should have known better... public skate is crazy! With all those little kids and noise, it wasn't super peaceful, and the ice was not smooth even after the Zamboni came along because of the intense hockey game that went on right before. I also fell and hit the back of my head and re-hurt my knee that was trying to heal from the bruises I got last week... I am getting better at jumps though! Soon after getting home, Miranda and I went to see Frozen 2. I didn't have high expectations for it, so it turned out much better than I was expecting. I even got emotional at different points just because of the mood I was in and the good messages of loyalty to family and friends. And Olaf was a hoot! I would totally be him giving out random facts on a long journey while everyone else was trying to sleep.... hahaha :). That evening, Miranda came into my room and surprised me with cute little gifts she got me from the dollar tree! That was so sweet and made me feel so loved. I'm starting to think that getting gifts is a bigger one of my love languages than I previously thought!

Our ward choir performed today in sacrament meeting! I was glad to be part of it. Relief Society was so good today. We got to hear such amazing insights from the wives of the Bishopbric members, and I was reassured that it is okay to be broken and that Christ can make us strong. I learned that victory is beautiful, but not flawless. I was reminded that God is in charge, not me. After church and reconnect, I had a very much needed phone call with my mother. I was talking about how I'm learning so much about being married and God is really preparing me, but I'm just feeling frustrated thinking, "When is it actually going to happen?" My mom asked what I was praying for specifically, and I said that I asked Heavenly Father to show me the next step to prepare for marriage and to be ready. She said, "There you go. He's answering your prayer by showing you how to get ready, but you need to change your prayer and start praying to find your future husband. Have that be your greatest desire and go for it." She went on to tell me that it should prioritize over school and the other good things I'm doing, and if it is in the deepest desires of my heart, God will grant it. "How badly do you want it?" When she asked that, I realized I was scared. I was scared to get married and I'd been prioritizing school and other things over marriage, which I hadn't realized before. But after talking with my mom, I don't want to be scared. I want to be brave and desire marriage. It will still happen in the Lord's timing, but it is something I should actively want and not keep suppressing because I don't know when the timing will be right. My mom is one inspired woman and I'm eternally grateful to have her in my life.

I don't want to be too busy to enjoy life. I want to do so many things and be so many things, but it's impossible! I wish I could practice all my talents--take more time to practice basketball, piano, violin, and figure skating. I wish I had more time to write and create art. But I have so many things pressing for my time that I have to give some things up, which made me feel sad or like I was wasting my talents. But I've come to learn that the talent you are specializing in right now is the one you can take pride in and identify with. Right now, I'm a pretty epic videographer! I may be out of shape for basketball and piano from lack of practice, but later on in life when those are more of a priority, I can work on those again. For now, I am a talented studier and video-editor and friend.

Much love,
Emily Burnham

Miracles Never Cease

24 February - 1 May 2020

Monday
I must have spent at least four hours at the BYU Health Clinic today! I wanted to figure out why I've been feeling off these past weeks, such as having trouble breathing. Well, all my results came back normal (nope, I don't have anemia or diabetes or asthma). But she had me take an anxiety/depression test and I scored pretty high on those. Since it wasn't anything else, this made me truly reflect on just how serious anxiety has been in my life. I've been fine! But I always feel just a bit anxious--about everything! Maybe it is affecting me more than I realized. Anyways, the best part of today was that the Lord answered my prayer so quickly! I had to run laps outside for the asthma test, and it was so cold that I prayed for the sun to come out and warm me up. Not even five minutes later, the clouds parted and glorious sunshine rained down upon me. What a tender mercy!

Tuesday
One guy in my figure skating class randomly asked me today, "How do you feel about blind dates?" I said I thought they were fine and asked if someone was trying to set him up on one. "No, but I want to set you up on one!" he said. So he got my number to give the other guy... but we'll see if anything actually comes of it. Today in ice skating class, we all tried on hockey skates because it was the day where all the hockey players had to learn figure skating moves, and we all had to learn hockey skills. Well, long story short, I hate hockey skates. I got quite the show of bruises to show for how coordinated I was in those horrific things...

Wednesday
My religion research class today was actually really good! We had six different stake presidents, bishops, and a returned mission president come and answer questions about religiosity in youth. We had such an inspiring discussion (even though I wasn't feeling particularly well today) and afterwards I felt inspired to give them all fliers (that I had conveniently brought) to my YouTube channel. Afterwards, my mentor, Dr. Dyer, asked how I was and I actually answered quite honestly. Awful. He asked if I wanted to speak with him in his office, so I said sure. We went and talked about my anxiety and he gave some very solid counsel about medication and what it does and helps with. He said some people are more sensitive and their environment really affects them. If it's a good environment, they flourish. But if it's a stressful or bad environment, they do poorly. Medication can help during the hard times so the environment isn't such a huge factor. I was really grateful that I followed that prompting to talk to him instead of giving the cliché "I'm good" answer. Such inspired counsel. Plus, during the class, Miranda sent me a bunch of cute inspirational quotes that really touched me.

Thursday
Today's marriage enhancement class was super weird. Deja vu moment. The guy sitting next to me turns to me after class and asks how I feel about blind dates. I said they're fine. He said he knew a super nice guy, so I gave him my number to pass along. That was so funny... twice in one week! Also during that class, I totally got called out by the teacher for being single. In front of the whole class! Oh well, at least I was in a good mood and didn't take it too personally. It's not completely my fault that I'm single. I'm trying here, okay! :) Later that evening, I met up with my friend Eliza from my religion class and we ate fries and talked about missionary work and life in general. It was good. I truly am so blessed! Also, my roommate Katie sticky-note-attacked my door with the cutest sayings and it made me feel so loved. I feel so blessed and eternally grateful to have her as my roommate.

Friday
Today I was all on my own at the temple! I did a great job! I didn't forget too many things :). It is so peaceful there and definitely feels like home. I got to be in one of the "greet" positions by the entrance, and there is a picture of Christ there that I looked at. I said a prayer of gratitude for my Savior to my Father in Heaven, and it was such a tender moment to be in their home and to feel completely at peace. I had the insight that what I am doing in the temple is exactly like what I did on my mission. Not only am I serving other people, but I am praying for the patrons to feel the Spirit. I'm praying that I will be filled with the Spirit so I can make each ordinance a sacred experience. I look for those who are lost or need help. I am set apart and have the authority to perform these sacred ordinances, and I feel so honored and humbled. When I got back from the temple, I had a missed call from one of the blind-date guys. We met up for a late lunch and it was fine. He was nice, but I don't think we clicked well. I went and picked up a camera from the library and filmed a couple for my channel about the topic of scrupulosity (if you don't know what that means, I guess you'll have to wait to watch the video... or just Google it). Then I had some work in the coding lab to do, but I didn't finish all the way and I started feeling super anxious, especially when a friend in the ward wanted to do something later in the evening. I just couldn't emotionally, so instead I finished early in the lab and relaxed at home. The people above us were having quite the booming party (apparently the cops showed up) and our ceiling (and bed) were shaking from all the jumping and dancing. I'm glad it didn't cave in! Even though today was a bit stressful, I also received the sweetest note from McCall in our ward.

Saturday
I went shopping this morning! I found a good deal on an outfit to get for Sunday and I also found some super comfortable exercise pants. I also got my car washed (I won't say how long it had been...) and worked for a couple of hours. Then I went to the Osborn's house to film them talking about friendship in marriage (they were so cute). I finished the night by watching Captain America since I hadn't seen it in so long.

Sunday
I was excited for today. I had my new cute outfit and I was teaching Sunday School. It went well! In the middle of church, it started pouring down snow, and of course I didn't bring a jacket with me... haha, so I got pretty snowed on by the time I got home! I loved church, though. So many amazing testimonies were born and I felt so edified. Right after church, I filmed my friend Spencer for my YouTube channel. I'm pretty excited with how everything is coming along. I also received the nicest comments on my video that posted today! That made me so very happy. I wrote nice-notes during Come Follow Me and Reconnect and then delivered them. I also attended ward prayer and ward choir.

This week had its ups and downs. Some days were harder than others. But I felt Heavenly Father's love. I'm learning lots about becoming like my Savior and Father in Heaven. Life is sometimes so overwhelming that it's hard for me to see my progress, and I do have a lot I'm doing (it's hard for me to remember how much I can actually juggle) but I know the Lord is magnifying my time and my efforts to do miraculous things. I'm grateful for the gift of listening. I am far from perfect and make so many stupid mistakes, but I really am trying to be like and act like Jesus Christ in every circumstance, with every person.

Love,
Emily Burnham